I’m just going to be all over the place with this post. I’ve been laying around, sick with some kind of cold, without a voice, while doing a food/ caffeine detox, unable to do anything but push buttons.
I tried to sit outside and feel the sun after so many days of being cooped up. I looked like someone’s grandma in multiple layers of clothes, house shoes, a big, floppy brimmed hat, an afghan tucked all around me, and knitting on my lap; but the air felt too cold to breathe. So, I’ll just unload some instagram photos and every random thought that may accompany them instead. You can keep me company while I rest.
I knit this sweater up til the last couple of rows, ran out of yarn, and really needed more length. Some people can’t make tough decisions when they don’t feel well. I’m not one of them. My brain doesn’t waste energy on the usual “what if’s” of problem solving. It becomes like a man’s: unilateral decisions said brusquely. “Nah!” “Rip it out!” “Start over!” “You’re fired!” “Off wi’ her head!” That kind of thing.
So I ripped the beautifully soft, sweatshirt-ish thing back to nothing. But, I’m pretty sure it was the right thing to do. I want less width, more length and I don’t want to wait on more yarn. Besides, I may be sick but I’ve miraculously had the strength to move my hands with needles in them, which hasn’t escaped my family’s notice, and can probably redo the whole thing in a week.
This little girl is graduating in a couple of months. I’m so proud of the woman she is becoming. I’m not even crying all the time or anything. That was last year. I’ve mentioned my thoughts about being a stay-at-home mom. There was definitely an unspoken pressure to work and “help my husband” or “do something with my life”. But here it is. This is what I did. I don’t know what’s right for everyone. I just know that a lot of prayer and willingness went into my decision to stay home. I put almost everything I ever wanted to accomplish aside for the thing I always wanted to accomplish most- a loving family.
When the economy changed I doubted my decision and thought it may be time to get a job. My kids were older now; it was just logical. However, new needs presented themselves and when they did, I had no doubt that my place was being here for my husband, children, and older relatives. I’m nearing forty and don’t waste much time worrying, but I also recognize God’s voice in my life more clearly. It was clear that I needed to help my family by being home. I didn’t worry about expenses like class rings, prom dresses, summer camps, or college. I trusted that if I did what I was supposed to do, God would take care of whatever else we needed. He has, many times. A few weeks ago my daughter was awarded a full academic scholarship at the college she wanted to attend. He didn’t have to make it that big, or that easy, for us. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a kid working their way through college, and she could have, but it was a dramatic example of what’s been happening all along. Our needs get met, along with quite a few of our wants. Of course, my daughter gets credit for her efforts in school, too.
I finally met some other local beekeepers at a free showing of Queen of the Sun a few weeks ago. (See, I told you I’m all over the place today.) They hosted the documentary at the Jefferson Theatre. It was good but different from other bee documentaries in that it was more of a celebration of bees. That sounded really cheesy. Honestly, it was a little cheesy, but I enjoyed it. It’s good to be in awe of the natural world around us and drawing more attention to the moral dilemma created by our farming/ pesticide techniques is a good thing, too.
I did say I’ve gone one week without coffee, didn’t I? I had no idea what a hold it had on me until I experienced flu like symptoms for three days after going cold turkey. Then I really caught a cold. But there’s no chicken noodle soup for me. I’m doing a food reintroduction diet to heal my immune system and it includes no comfort food. I am truly just eating to fuel my body right now. Do you hear me yelling, “Wah!” like Lucille Ball?